what can happen with nf

speech-
– feels lould without effort
– comes out easily
– comes out without effort

right side
right hand
type with more fingers
-type with index finger
-reach out spontaneously with rt hand                                                                                                                                                      -index finger and thumb touch

right leg right hip swings (feels unobstructed)
heel strike (though this seems to be less of an issue)

general walking
arm swinging (this can indicate that my arms are relaxed)                                                                                                                                  a general forward walk as opposed to a side to side gate
mental/emotional                                                                                                      focus (getting a task i don’t enjoy done)                                                                      monkey mind (100 thoughts at once)                                                           mental fatigue

happiness (lack of worry – whatever happens, happens)                                     (oddly enough, i am never really optimisitc – lack of worryis my best)
depression
getting stuck on negative thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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just writing some words

today was his. no calls to return….really, he just wanted to watch his day slip out the window, min by min into the rain but the weight of all  his choices weight the min down and they collected on his brain until the weight made him reach for

 

he sat, coffee in hand, looking at the wires – barly noticing that they seemed to have tangeled themselves while  he had slept. (RACING DAWN

WHO did he want to be today? he had the day off and the just breaking day was his to do what he pleased with. he could go sit in the zendo and wait for the pug faced girl/woman to show up and sit ram rod straight during meditation.  why she fasinated him…..well he wondered that too  – she wasn’t pretty, but that hair, it was just so wild.  it wasn’t how straight and still she sat.  they all did that. he knew because he watched.  while they all sat still presumably trying to tame their monkey minds

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we are just a bunch of chemicals

or brain waves or whatever

well, pretty much anyway

sort of

or maybe there is something else spinning up there

but even if there is, after today, i’m more convinced than ever that much of what we think of as our inner reality is nothing more than a collection of chemical and electrical impulses. here’s why…

i’m a few weeks into another round of neurofeedback.   I know you’re asking, what’s nf.  if you aren’t, you are in a very tiny minority.  far be it from me to give an adequate explanation, but i wiil say that  neurofeedback is just biofeedback for the brain…say you want to relax – the neurofeedback device simply lets you see the brainwave activity associated with relaxation.  By seeing it, you can learn to manipulate.  If you are really curious, google can tell you so much more.  I’m not here for all that.

I’m here to tell you a story to remember the next time you descend down into a funk.

What you think is what you think and it may be very valid.  Maybe your job is maddening,
 maybe  your SO really is a mistake, maybe you feel that everything sucks….and maybe it does really indeed suck.  But how you feel about that shittiness, real or percieved, is just a matter of what’s pulsing through that gray matter. I bet this is not so much news to people who have taken medicines for anxiety, depression or whatever.  The chemical doesn’t change life events but it changes how the person is able to deal with them.

That however takes place over weeks or even months.  In that time, events can change. The chemical changes combine with event changes and three months later, everything may be different.  What happened to me happened in a matter of days, one day really.
 Nothing in my life changed.  No stress built up.  Nothing happened except my brainwaves
 got out of whack.

after 1session, i told her i felt like shit – woke up mad that morning.

she dissmissed it and we did a session – walking home, i felt like i was dragging myself. day b4 after first session i only felt like i was dragging my leg

i made myself go back despite feeling like my insiders were shaking.  i felt mad

and upset but not about anything, got there and started crying.  she switchyed it

after15m i felt much more in control of my emotions – still a little wigged out but in control–after 15 more min . i felt this release in my thighs and mentally, i was back to me– sort of happy really. my right leg was even bending at the knee it was so lose.

sad into happy in 30 min!  i wish i could bottle it.

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he was here but now i guess hes gone

i really barely knew him – i knew what was in his pants better than i knew what was in his brain

or about to come out of his mouth.  so when he said come with me, on a train, to the edge of the continent, i paused.  i hated that edge.  i had been to it b4. lived it until i left and felt like i was ecaping from a prison.

during the pause i also though about his works – i have a work visa, but i dont. so i paused.

or i thought i did.  but it wasnt long enough.  that smile didnt fade..it was on that face that had
grabbed me the first time i saw it. and so the word ok slipped out.  why it so much easier slipps out than no.

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the poety roon

who is coming up the steps

who has been there the longest and who will take over the title
(make a thread of pple there from opening to closing……what do they see, hear)

what r they each looking 4

whats outside

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berkeley

i havent been here the whle time,,,,,,,,,,,,,just came backi from denver with a boy who is ok but not really it……

hes gone now i guess but at least now i can say i did what jack k would have done.  but what would he do now.

alone and bored in this foggy placel

and why do i get 2 c fer when kevin doesnt

and robert duncan hoouse

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walter mitty story idea

walter mitty walks around dreaming – as he walks around, other pple

see him – what do they see when they look W him

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anne waldman

i saw her read 2nite @ berkeley.  i really enjoyed it – she was more tame……not tame though

what i think i like about her is she makes me feel like i could be bad ass too someday.

i feel a tiny bit enlivened.

she remembered me too!

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